Lilles: 50 Dollars A Piece
by Trapped Rabbit
Summary: Lily's sixth year at Hogwarts: Proclomations of hate a'flurry, Boys confessing the flame of their loins a'burning left, right, and up the wazoo! Rabid Pandaness Galore! Can you withstand the powerful magnet that is Lilies: 50 Dollars A Piece?
1. Chapter 1

A New story by me, which ISN'T a parody (gasp!). Hope you enjoy it - I enjoyed writing it.

-&-

Oooook, what just happened here?

If I didn't know better, I'd say that I heard my best friend SAY that she fancied James Potter. Let's here that again: FANCIED JAMES POTTER.

I am currently standing next to her, waiting for Potions to start, with my mouth hanging wide open. I've probably unhinged my jaw or something. I could probably fit me whole hand in it.

Give me a break, I'm under mental anguish. Ruth, the sweet little girl who was my best friend since I was eleven, has just come right out and said, "I fancy James Potter!"

What should I do? Call Madame Pomfrey? I don't think that would help. Last time I told Madame Pomfrey that there was a medical emergency, it was because I had seen James Potter helping a first year…

I know. Helping a first year.

Ruth looked at me, all guilty like, and said, "Well, atleast RESPOND."

But I couldn't. I think my heart has stopped beating. Not because it's broken or anything- I mean, it's not like I have a big lesbian crush on Ruth and am desperately upset that she is hetro, no, that isn't it.

It's because RUTH likes the boy who has tormented me with love proclamations since…Since… Fourth year. He's a bloody barstard, that James Potter.

So why does my god-fearing friend, RUTH, want to go out with the Devil's cabana boy, JAMES POTTER?

Well, OK, maybe he isn't the devil's cabana boy. The Devil would have way better taste than a seventeen-year-old tormentor of me.

Maybe it's because she was deprived as a child. She did say she wasn't allowed to have sweets until she was fifteen. Huh.

And also, until she was fourteen, she had to wear long skirts, down to her ankles.

That has to be it.

There's no other reason - no other reason at all - as to why Ruth would like James Potter.

"Err… Lily?" Ruth said, "Please stop staring at me like that and say something."

And then something inside me snapped. It was most likely my Cerebral Cortex.

"JAMES POTTER?" I yelled, hysterically flailing my arms, "JAMES POTTER? AS IN POTTER? AS IN POTTER, JAMES? AS IN JAMES HAROLD FRANCESO POTTER?"

I had basically attracted the attention of everyone in the line, and Professor Slughorn, who was looking onwards at the scene, amused.

Ruth went beetroot red as I composed myself.

"Erm…Sorry, we're practicing for a play. It's called 'Shocks of the Many'. And … Um… we were using James Potter as an example name," I explained.

Jeez, great job, Lily.

I am _so_ sure they believed you.

I hazarded a glance at James Potter, who was grinning like a fool.

"Shut up, Potter," I snapped.

"I didn't say anything!" James Potter said indignantly.

"You just did!" I said.

Everyone was laughing by now. Excluding Ruth and me. Ruth because she was embarrassed immensely, and me because I was just in shock.

No, shock was too smaller word. I was suffering from something that would later require sedation.

"Ok, class," Professor Slughorn said loudly, "Class will begin now. Run in side."

I walked in last, scowling.

Crap, Ruth was sitting with Veronica Cortexes. She was probably angry with me. Angry with ME.

"Lily, take a seat next to David," Slughorn said.

Noooo!

David was my ex-boyfriend! My EX!

"But, Sluggy," I whined.

That nickname got him all the time.

He sighed, and said to James Potter, "Move next to David. Lily, you sit next to Sirius."

NOOOOO!

Could I possibly try to get him to rearrange the class again!

No, he wouldn't do it. Again.

As I sat down next to Sirius, he said, "Well, Hell-o, Lil-ay."

I shot him a look, the dirty looks I usually reserve for Potter, "What are you, homosexual?"

"Touché," he replied.

I snorted. Au contraire, Mon Amie.

Aaaaaaaagh! Sirius breathes real loud.

"Stop breathing so loud!" I said angrily.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Lily, would you rather I stop breathing altogether?" Sirius said sarcastically.

"That would solve a lot of my problems, actually," I said in mock thoughtfulness.

"…Yeah, so as I was saying, Lily's a cold hard bitch…" Came David's voice, floating across from behind me.

I heard James snarl, "What'd you say?"

"Just that Lily's a skank," David replied.

There was another snarl, and then a crash. I looked back quickly, and saw David lying on the floor. He let out a cry of rage and made contact with James' face, causing another bruise.

What is this, Fight Club?

Well, anyway, James lunged at David and soon they were rolling around on the floor (In an un-homosexual way), punching eachother.

My mouth unhinged for the second time that day … Wow. They were having a fistfight… over ME! Little old me.

Awww…Shucks.

Well, my moment of awe was soon put to rest when Professor Slughorn cried something and the two of them spilt apart, James Potter's cheek cut badly, and David's face all bloodied up.

"Miss Evans," Slughorn roared, "Please transport Potter to the hospital while I take care of Mr. Lorenz."

WHY ME?

James Potter grinned at me, and extended me his left hand (The one that wasn't all blood-covered). I grudgingly took it, and said conversationally as we left the room, "You know, if you weren't already hurt, I would hit you."

James Potter just smirked, "I got in a fight for you, you know. Most girls would think that was hot."

I made a noise that sounded something like, 'Mchpauh."

"Well, I did."

"Thanks, I guess," I mumbled.

James shrugged, looking away.

WHAT? DID I JUST _THANK_ POTTER?

DID I JUST THANK _POTTER_?

"But," I said, recovering from my crazy, "You really shouldn't have. You know that David got in that fight with Carl, over Loretta. It was really stupid of you. You knew he could punch the hell out of you."

"To tell you the truth, I wasn't thinking," James snapped, frowning as he looked away.

Good. We're fighting again.

Eeeeew. His cheek is bleeding and dripping.

"Here's a hanky," I said grudgingly, "For your cheek."

I know. I ruined a perfectly white handkerchief. For _Potter_. But it was either that or loose my lunch.

"Thanks," Potter said, smiling, as he dabbed his sculpted cheekbone.

HOLD UP.

Did I just call Potter's cheekbone _sculpted_?

_SCULPTED!_

What is this, a porno romance novel?

I have read a couple of them. But that was Ruth's fault. She recommended it when I was an invalid in the Hospital Wing.

And, OK, so I read all of it.

But…So!

Big deal.

Oh god. I have to get some sort of shot or sedative from Madame Pomfrey.

As we walked into the Hospital Wing, I saw that Madame Pomfrey had her hands full.

"First year charms," explained sympathetically Dalton, a Ravenclaw seventh year.

"Ahh," I said, nodding, as I surveyed the masses of groaning little kids.

"So…Lily…" Dalton said, "What are you doing this weekend?"

I started to freak out.

Dalton had pasty skin and greasy blonde hair. He had a lisp and really grotesquely large front teeth.

"Ah…" I said, looking desperately around for an excuse, "I'm going on a date…"

"Oh," said Dalton, looking crestfallen, "With who?"

"Ahhh," I said, my eyes darting around again, "Potter. Yes, I'm going on a date with James-deary over here-y."

"You are?" James said, bemused.

I shot him a warning look.

"You are," he said firmly, "Now, Dalton my man, we're looking for Pomfrey. Me an my girlfriend here-" He slapped my ass, "need to go find me a doctor."

"Ha," said Dalton, his face flushing, "Ahh…Yeah, I'll see you later."

-&-

"It's all over the school!" cried Ruth, running up to me at lunch, "Is it true that you and James are going out?"

JAMES? WHEN DID _SHE_ START TO CALL _HIM_ _'JAMES'_?

"Uh… Yes and No." I said, smiling slyly.

"AFTER YOU KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT THEM?" Ruth screamed loudly, attracting the attention of the school (And Dumbledore), "HOW COULD YOU?"

"Huh?" I said, confused, "You care about him that much? I only did it so I wouldn't have to go out with Dalton Smith."

Ouch. That sounded harsh.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, LILY. AFTER YOU KNEW I LOVED JAMES POTTER!" Ruth cried, running off, weeping.

I dropped my fork, which had my mash potatoes on it, onto the floor.

What the HELL just happened here?

_I'm_ supposed to be the one with the massive personality mood swing disorder.

-&-

**And that was the first chapter of Lilies: $50. Here's how it works:**

**0-5 Reviews: Forget About It.**

**5-7: A Week.**

**7-10: Three Days.**

**10: Give Me Two Days, Tops.**

-&-

**Ta ta,**

**Trapped Rabbit.**


	2. Chapter 2

Commetappelle-tu, biatches? I wrote this IMMEDIATELY after the first chapter. Haw-haw.

-&-

**Things To Do So That James Will Be Repulsed By Me On My Date With Him.**

**By Lily Evans. **

_Commentary By Daria Ranshire._

**Who is a ho-bitch.**

_Am not._

**Wear a poncho. **_True. It is a proven fact that men hate ponchos, unless you are a fat Mexican who also has a very big sombrero on and a large bottle of Tequila._** Agreed.**

**When we get to that dance thing, dance fast to slow music, and slow to fast music. **_Yes, you shall look like a right freak when you do that. Remember when Connie did that, at the social? She still gets called Octo-arms. _**What a creative nickname.**

**Use old fashioned slang, such as, "Fuddy-duddy", "Fixin' some suppers", and, "Strumpets." **_What the bloody hell does "Strumpet" mean? _**Old people version of "ho". **_Ahh. I see. _

**Act like I am endorsing Pepsi. Talk non-stop about its bubbly goodness. **_True. But - who doesn't love Pepsi? Keeps ma peppy when I need the pep. _**You have no idea what Pepsi is, do you? **_Ok, I don't._

**After endorsing Pepsi, tell him in extreme detail about the "Ear People". When he doesn't believe me, exclaim that he is one of them, and then throw butter beer on him. Tell him that it was the only cure.**_ Heh heh. You gonna look so lunaticish after this. _**Lunaticish isn't a word. **_Says who? _**Websters. **_Who's Websters? Is he in our year? _**Sigh.**

**Talk about that dream I had where there were those moldy vegetables that floated around my head, and I ended up eating them and getting really bad diarrhea. **_Huh. You know what sounds like diarrhea? Gonorrhea. Ahahahahahahahahaahhahaha. _**Sometimes I wish I was surrounded be more classy, intelligent people. **

**Cry. Boys hate it when you cry. **_True. Oh! And I know the perfect thing for you to cry about. Remember when Arthur Weasley got really drunk and peed on your suede shoes? _**Shut up. I'm going to cry right now, if you're not careful.**

**Tell obviously made up stories about meeting Leo Edawrds. **_Wistful look. I wish I could meet Leo Edwards. He's such a dream on camera._

**Carry a large handbag around. Say that there is a gun underneath it. **_He's pureblood. He won't know what a gun is. _**It'll still be funny though. **

**Wear a large pair of sunglasses, and conjure dementia-sirens. Scream, "Oh no, it's them!" and hide. **_You can conjure up Demonter sirens, and you didn't tell me? I'm ashamed…and shocked._

-&-

Stupid Potter. I'm staring at him right now. Thinking nasty thoughts about how much I want to hurt and decapitate him.

"Lily Evans!" yelled Professor Bishop; "We are studying muggle studies right now! Stop staring at Mr Potter's head!"

"He had a large, over-sized bug on it," I replied reasonably, lying through my teeth.

"Well, I didn't see it," Snickered Sirius, who was sitting next to stupid Potter.

"That's because you were too busy staring at Melinda Quarto's boobs," I snapped.

Melinda turned bright red, and glanced down at her cleavage, as she squeaked, "Is it too much? Like, that's what I told Brandi, but she was like, 'A-no!'"

Everyone stared at her, baffled, for a second, before turning back to me, to hear what I'd say about it.

I opened my mouth to say something.

"Miss Evans, I don't know what's wrong with you…"

"Raging PMS," I said helpfully.

Well, it was true.

"MISS EVANS, TO PROFFESORS MCGONAGALL!" Professor Bishop yelled.

…WAIT!

WHAT?

"Wouldn't it be better if I just got that PMS formula from Madame Pomfrey, so that I'll stop being a total smart ass?" I asked.

"DON'T SAY THAT WORD!" Professor Bishop roared.

"What? PMS or ass?" I said, confused.

"BOTH!" Professor Bishop screamed angrily.

Me: Speechless.

"SCAT! GO!"

"To WHERE?" I screamed, matching Bishop's voice, "The Hospital Wing or McGonagall's!"

"DON'T YELL AT ME!"

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO, IT'S JUST THAT WHEN SOMEONE SCREAMS AT ME, I USUALLY SCREAM BACK BECAUSE I'M VERY PERCEPTIBLE TO TONE CHANGES!" I yelled.

"TO PROFFESOR MCGONGALL'S IMMEDIETALLY!"

"FINE!"

I gathered up my books, and waited Professor Bishop to give me that little note they always make you give the teacher so that they know you've been bad.

I stalked out of the classroom quickly, to make sure Bishop couldn't hear me, and started laughing hysterically.

I know, PMS.

It does that to me. Luckily it only happens one day out of every month.

"I CAN STILL HEAR YOU!" I heard Professor Bishop's voice holler shrilly.

"SORRY!" I choked out in-between laughter, "It's the PMS, ya know."

I walked away. Still laughing fervently.

-&-

"… DISRESPECTFUL, INSOLENT AND APPALING. TO SAY … THAT … THAT … _WORD_ IN FRONT OF A PROFESSOR…"

Welcome to my life.

She's been screaming at me for about an hour though. I'm glad.

I get to miss our on Magical History. Muhahahahahahahahhahaha.

"NOW GO TO THE HOSPITAL, AND GET THAT POTION."

Did she just finish?

Wow.

And in record time, too.

_One hour, twenty-five minutes and twelve seconds. _

WHO'S THAT HOT BOY OVER THERE!

Oh, sorry, got a bit sidetracked.

Wait. There's something wrong with him anymore. One eye is slightly wonky.

Ech.

-&-

"What are _you_ doing here again?" asked Madame Pomfrey.

Rude.

Talking like that is what got _me_ in here.

For shame, Pommie, for shame.

"I need the PMS potion," I said, loudly.

It was only then that I saw the cluster of pre-teen boys, who looked at me and blushed.

Boys. They're just not men.

Pommie thrust a blue, swirling concoction into my hands.

"Thank you," I said, drinking it in two long gulps.

Funny.

I don't feel any different.

JS(A&#&!

Wow.

"Oh, shit!" Madame Pomfrey squealed, "I gave you the wrong potion!"

Uh-oh…

&HQ(S)&$B#!

And then… Everything went BLACK.

-&-

"Lily…?" A voice said hesitantly, drifting into my head, "Lily…?"

It's RUTH!

I tried to sit up.

&#((!

Ahh…Crap.

I can't move.

Let's try my hand…

&#(&!

Crap.

Let's try the other one…

(&(&#&!

Crap.

Ah well.

I'll just lie here, then.

Not like I have a choice. Huh.

WHY DOES GOD HATE ME?

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY?

I heard Ruth leave.

No!

Wait!

Coooooooome Baaaaaack, Sweet Ruth.

Sob.

It's your entire fault.

Yeah, you.

If it weren't for you, this wouldn't have happened.

Whimper.

Oh wait, Ruth's coming back.

"Lily?"

HEY, that's not Ruth.

It's _Potter_.

Gross.

"They say you're in a coma… That'd it'd help to talk to you," He let out a breath, "You've been out cold for a week, incase you can hear. Uh… Slughorn brewed the potion wrong. You missed our date, I don't mind, though…"

He grabbed my hand.

HE GRABBED MY HAND.

Ok, Lily, stop thinking violent thoughts.

AIEEEEEE!

I wish I could move.

I would run, far, far, away from STUPID POTTER.

Must…

Stop…

Thinking…

About…

Hurting…

Potter…

A lot…

"I really like you, Lily, I've liked you for ages… When I heard you were in hospital, I swear, I nearly died. I felt my heart burst into a million pieces. When I heard you might die, I couldn't eat or sleep…" he sucked in a breath, "I'm kind of glad you can't see me - I look a right mess. But the thing is, Lily, it made me realize… It made me realize… That I think I lo-"

Bang. The sound of a door closing.

Sobbing.

James was still by me, though, holding my hand.

And all I could do was think, _Ahh, crap, Ruth, why the hell did you hide!_

"Oh, God, it was your friend, Ruth McTavish. I thought she was joking when she told me she loved me. I've barely said two words to her…"

It was then that my treacherous body decided to fall asleep.

-&-

I wrote this under the influence of PMS. I'm sorry. I should know better. But I did, and it's out there, and I can't take it back (sniff).

Love,

Trapped Rabbit. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three, my lovelies.**

**We left Lily unable to move, and hearing James confess his love to her (gasp!). What makes it worse is Ruth was there (shock!) and Lily had just fallen asleep (oh, the drama!).**

**Ok, here it is:**

-&-

Potter's still beside me.

He hasn't left.

He's asleep.

I would - if I could - reel away in disgust.

Was he really going to say that he loved me?

I mean, I've heard everything from ex-boyfriends, "I love you, now let's have sex…" "I like you a lot, but I want to go out with that buxom blonde-haired beauty queen over there…" "Red jut really isn't my color…" "You're a great girl, BUT…"

(&W(&(Q!

WAIT!

I CAN MOVE MY HAND.

I CAAAAAAAN MOOOOOVEEE MY HAAAAAAAAAAND!

Celebrate gooooooooooooood timmmmmmmessssss cooooooome oooooon!

And for my first act as a now able bodied citizen…

THWACK!

Heh heh.

Take that, Potter!

James - Uh, I mean Potter- opened an eye sleepily.

"Lily! You're awake!" he said happily, grinning like the fool he is.

Grin on, fool, and grin on.

"Yes, I am!" I said indignantly, "What the hell are you doing here, Potter?"

I've decided going to go into denial, and pretend that little confession when I was unable to move, neeeeeeeveeeeer happened.

Potter blushed, and looked away, "I just wanted to make sure… Make sure you were all right."

And that's when I noticed how much paler, sleepier and thinner Potter looked. He had huge, panda-like black smudges under his eyes, and he must of dropped ATLEAST seven pounds.

I looked down at myself. HOLY SHIT. MY BODY HAS BECOME FIFTEEN POUNDS LIGHTER!

AREN'T THEY SUPPOSED TO _FEED_ ME IN HERE?

My stomach grumbled. Loudly.

I grabbed Potter's shirt collar, "Potter, get me food. _Now_."

Potter's grin became wider. It was then that I noticed that we were only inches apart from each other.

Ech, I'm in kissing distance of Potter.

"We could go to the Kitchens," he said, still smirking.

"Lead the way," I said, and started to climb out of bed.

Aaaah crap.

I'm in one of those hospital gowns that open at the back.

"Potter," I barked, "Can you hand me those shorts over there?"

Potter flung them at me.

"Turn away," I instructed.

He did so, and I put the shorts on.

"Let's go," I said, hooking my arm through Potter's.

Hey, he was getting me food.

Potter lead me around the castle, I wasn't really looking where, until he stopped dead right in front of a portrait of a food basket.

"Ahh…Potter?" I said, "Why are we here?"

Potter reached out and started to run his hands over the pear. What the hell!

The pear giggled and the portrait swung open, and suddenly we were surrounded my deranged little house elves.

"Miss! MISS! _MISS!_" yelled a little house elf, cramming a tray of food towards me, "It's fresh! Fresh lasagna squares!"

"Gimme!" I said, over the noise, and grabbed the tray, saying to the rest of the house elves, "Alright, you lot, go away. I have ten days of starvation to eat up on-" I poked my finger in Potter's direction "him too."

The house elves slinked away, and one said, "If you need anything, miss, just call Mimo!"

And then they were gone, leaving James and I with a plate of lasagna squares.

Until there was only one left.

Potter reached out for it, but I slapped his hands away.

Take THAT!

I ate the last of the lasagna squares, and wiped my mouth off.

"Listen, Lily," Potter said, "I really like you - I've liked you for ages. When I heard you were in hospital, I nearly died…"

HEY!

This is the same speech he said to me when I was unable to move.

"But the thing is, Lily, it made me realize… I made me realize… I think I love you."

-&-

**Potter, You Dog. It's Short, So Shoot Me. That's All I'm Sayin'**

**Until Next Time, Fair Badgers,**

**Trapped Rabbit **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four.**

**Hello, my polished pets, hello. This time we left Lily in an awful position, having to listen to James confess his dying love for the SECOND time. Good Jebus. **

**Which reminds me of a really funny joke I had with a friend.**

**Her: (annoyed because she had just bit her cheek) Jesus!**

**Me: (questioning) Yes?**

**Her: Hysterical Laughter. **

**Anyways… You don't want to hear me go on about barely funny jokes, so here's ya story, you pretty, intelligent monkeys, you:**

-&-

And it was out there, I couldn't pretend I couldn't hear him, there was no Ruth to burst out in tears, and run out dramatically. I had to respond.

And quick.

"Uh…" I said, stalling, "That's… Uh… Nice."

Well, what was I supposed to say?

I don't feel the same way, Potter?

Get out, Potter?

Take me, Potter?

Well?

"I'd say I liked you too…" I said, "But the thing is, I don't know you that well…"

"Then get to know me!" James exclaimed, "Go on a date with me!"

"Potter!" I snapped, returning to my old, pre-coma self, "Do you honestly think I'd go out with you? Do you think that just because you got me food in my starved state, that I would go out with you?"

"Uh…" James said, nervously rubbing the back of his neck, "Uh…Yes."

"Well," I said, pursing my lips in a Mcgonagall-like way, "Well, you're wrong. How can you love me, I don't even know you, properly."

James frowned, and suddenly looked extremely hurt, "Well, fine then." - he threw his hands up - "I give up! I don't want you, Lily, I don't."

And, for some odd reason, I felt a pang. A _pang_. If I didn't know better, I would of said it was of hurt. Huh.

"Good," I said, smiling all false and brightly, "Well, can we be friends?"

But James was already leaving, climbing out of the portrait. And leaving me there. With no idea where the hell I was. In a hospital robe, with a lot of my back showing.

Needless to say, I ran after him. I caught him walking, very fast, in some corridor. I have no idea where I am.

_THWACK_.

"Potter," I barked as I hit him, "Get me back to the hospital. Now."

"No," he said, matching my tone.

"Don't talk to me like that!" I said furiously.

"Why?" He said, flinging the hand that had still been on his shoulder off, as he turned around to face me, wild, "You use it on me 24-7. Why do you think I put up with it? Because I hope you'll go out with me one day. But…" he drew a shuddering breath "… I'm not going to anyway. You're bad for me. You're unhealthy for me. You're just wrong for me. And I get that."

I stood there, stunned, as he walked away.

Had Potter just grew a backbone?

He looks hot when he's mad.

Not that I like him, or anything.

I mean, it's not my fault that he has a very handso-

_SLAP_.

Ok, I'm back to normal.

But, I am in the middle of an unspecified hallway, in a hospital robe, which opens at the back, and no clue which way to go.

Crap.

I HATE POTTER, WHO COULD HE DO THIS TO ME!

I'm still in the middle of the corridor. A day later.

It's nighttime.

Again.

If it wasn't for the lasagna squares I had snuck into my hospital robe pocket, I would have fainted and died in the first twenty minutes I realized that this was the _closed_ part of the castle.

Wait, shut up. I can hear footsteps.

Or maybe I'm just hallucinating.

No, I can definitely hear them-

Oh.

It's Potter.

And then, my already fractured Cerebral Cortex snapped.

"Aiiiieee!" I screamed, pouncing on Potter and starting to hit him, saying in between punches, "Leave… Me… To… Die… Will… You…?"

"Lily," Potter said, grabbing my fists effortlessly, "that isn't hurting me."

I started struggling, "Just because I don't like you back that way, doesn't mean you have to try and kill me!"

James face, which had been smirking, became impassive.

"Get me outta here," I demanded.

"I will," Potter said, grinning again, "If you let me kiss you… Just once, and then I'll leave you alone for as long as you like."

Well, it was either that or rot to death in a corridor.

Decisions, decisions…

Phht, as if it was a hard choice.

"I'D RATHER DIE IN HERE!" I yelled.

Potter grinned, and then grabbed my face - softly - and started to lean in.

-&-

**Ooooooh! Finally a little action! **

**Time For My Favourite Part Of The Job: Review-answering.**

**LilyFlowerr: I got this when I was online. But I'd already wrote the third chapter, so I was all, "Where do I go from here?"**

**Aliana: I won't be in on Monday, you ass-hoe. I told you! I've got to go to the doctor's for stupid blood tests…**

**Youkaigirl64:** Thanks for reviewing THREE TIMES! I'm so happy you lost your ass whilst laughing. .

**Renee:** Don't worry, you don't sound like one of my teachers. Not once did you say I was a slacker. I was hyper when I wrote this other half of my chapter.

**Cheerios rule the world: ** I love your name, first off. I love cheerios, I have since I was force fed one in kindergarten. 

**Taa Taa,**

**My Infinitesimal Orangutans,**

**Trapped Rabbit.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello. I wrote this late one night- This fanfiction, I have decided, is going to be short - maybe up to eleven/twelve chapters. **

**Enjoy The Fifth Chapter Of Lilies: $50. **

-&-

I didn't move.

I was probably frozen in terror.

What am I talking about _probably_? That has to be it.

Yeah, I was frozen in terror.

And - uh- when he kissed me, I only kissed back because I was, um, trying to push his tongue out of my mouth.

Yes.

Well, duh, of course that's why.

And some mental defective might tell you that I was actually kissing him, and running my hands through his hair, but the truth was:

There was a bug in his hair. A large, over sized bug, and it was so revolting that I had to get rid of it.

When I finished kissi- I mean, um, well, you know, him, I just kind of stared, eyes wide, before getting off him, and bolting.

"Lily!" he yelled after me.

But I was gone…

-&-

Wish I hadn't run off.

I have no idea where the hell I am.

Ugh.

I'm mentally disturbed.

I could really go for some pain medication right now…

Or sedatives.

Or crunk.

Whatever the hell that is.

I heard a couple of rappers rapping about it once.

Somewhere along the lines of, "You will get me crunk, get my crunk, aw-haw."

I'm a terrible rapper.

I'm a "Lily-ass"; if what I heard from the Offspring song is true.

Blech.

I've decided to make my own song:

In this hall way,

All alooooone,

In this hall way,

Not near hooooome,

In this hallway,

I kissed Potter,

In this hallway,

I shall rot - aaa!

It's good, right?

Shut up, I never said I was intelligent.

Sooo alone, got nobody here beeeesiiiiiiide me. But cha gotta have frieeeeeeends.

Only I don't.

No Ruth…

Well, she _was_ my only friend.

My God I'm pathetic.

-&-

I'm going to let you in on a little secret, ya hear?

I liked that kiss with Potter!

And it was a _kiss_. Ok? I admit it!

Maybe it's the starvation.

Or maybe it's the fact that I've been out here for TWO FRICKIN' DAYS.

Oh…

Wait…

Everything's going black…

I'm really making a habit outta this…

_Thump._

-

Owwwwww…

My head…

Aaaah…

Where the hell am I?

Oh.

I'm back where I started:

The hospital wing.

Why is Potter beside me?

Sleeping.

I can move.

Maybe I should hit him.

_Hard_.

No, I can't.

Why?

I don't know.

Something's seriously wrong.

That thing about liking the kiss with Potter?

If you'd kindly forget it, thank you in advance.

Potter stirred, and grinned when he saw I was awake.

I was forced to acknowledge how good he looks when he first wakes up.

God damn it.

His sleepy smile is so cute.

"Hey," he said, smiling, "I found you."

"Yeah, I can see. But if you hadn't left me there in the first place, you stupid Neanderthal…"

And then he was doing it again.

Kissing me, I mean.

This time I pushed his head away quickly.

"What the Hell do you think you're doing? What about Pommie?" I said furiously.

One minute they're friggin' giving up on you, the next they're making out with you!

"She's not here. Some creepy second year got stuck in the Invisibility Cupboard."

He leant in again, but I quickly put my hand on his forehead, restraining him, "Did I say you could kiss me, you man-strumpet!"

"Strumpet?"

"Old people version of hoe, you hoe-man." I said.

He chuckled, "I thought you enjoyed the kiss we had? If your reaction was anything to go by…"

"Well, you're wrong. I was trying to push your tongue out of my mouth, with my tongue. And the only reason I was running my hands through your hair was because you had a giant, over-sized bug in it." I replied.

James chuckled again, "This wouldn't be the same bug that was on my head, when you were caught staring at me?"

"Yes and no," I answered, "Stop harassing me. I'm on my death bed."

Rolling his eyes, James responded, "No, you're not. No comas this time. They say you're malnourished."

"Well, if they had of _fed _me!" I retorted.

James just nodded, "They're thinking of firing Madame Pomfrey. She screwed up royally."

"WHAT?" I cried, "They _can't_ fire Pommie. She's simply the best nurse thing we've ever had!"

James shrugged, "She did poison you, then starve you for a week and a half, and then let you escape."

"When you say it like that, it sounds so sadistic," I said defensively.

James shrugged again, "Can I kiss you now?"

"No!" I said, angry, and pushed him out of the bed.

James, who was on the floor, now looking adorably - No, I meant - uh - Uglyly- confused and wide eyed, looked up, bewildered.

"I thought … I thought you liked me…," James said, dazed, "Why… Why…?"

"Because," I said, "You're Potter. Potter. I don't like Potter…" I was now talking to myself, "Because… I can't like Potter… Not Potter. Oh god, I should think about Ruth. Even if Potter is yummy-"

I looked up in shock, as I realized what had just slipped.

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

I really shouldn't think out loud.

**(AN: This happened to me once, only I said, "Ah, shit, Damion's Coming Over Here)**

James' face had adopted an over-joyed look, and suddenly he had got up, leaned over, and was kissing me.

I pulled away instantly.

"Weren't you listening to my ramblings, you stale colossal lubberly dolt!"

I know, I really should stop reading old people books. But they're addictive, OK?

James beamed, "Actually, I was. You said I was yummy."

"No I didn't, you lout!" I lied, "I said crummy."

"No you didn't."

Outraged, I hit him in the head.

He just smirked, "Lily, you're too frail to hurt me."

"OH REALLY?" I screamed, and suddenly I had jumped on him, hitting him.

"Yes," he said calmly, laughing as my fists continued to pound him.

And then he pulled me by the back of my neck, down into a kiss.

It was at that time that both Sirius and Ruth decided to walk into the room.

Now, let me explain to you my position. I was sitting - well, more like straddling- Potter, and we were kissing.

Ruth immediately burst into tears- she's making a habit of it, apparently- and started to run.

"Nooo!" I yelled, chasing after her, "You're not getting away this time!"

"Hey! Lily!" Sirius called after me, "Nice robe!"

But I didn't care. Because I was going to straighten out things with Ruth.

-&-

**Aiiiiiie! Full of my now plentiful cliches: Lily fainting, in the hospital, and Ruth cryin'. Don't Cha Just Love It?**

**Youkaigirl64: Hello again! Thanks For The Review - You Made My Day!**

**LilyFlowerr: It's So Fun When I Read Your Reviews - They're Always So Happy! And You Always Add Something Constructive For me To Work On - I Hope This Mini Cliffhanger Isn't Too Bigger Deal…?**

**GodessoftheMaaN: Thank You, New Comer - Lol! I Hope You Don't Hate Me For This Mini Cliffie!**

**Gianna: You Again!**

**Love you, my pretties,**

**Trapped Rabbit **


	6. Chapter 6

**Ello, my yellow monkeys. We left Lily in her plight to find Ruth… **

-&-

The first thing Ruth said to me when she saw me was, "Get away from me, you skinny little bitch."

The bitch I could handle.

The little I could handle (I am a measly little lass… Only 5"3).

But the skinny, was a different thing. I loved my curves.

The operative word being loved.

Except for my boobs, I'm now like a board. AND I HATE IT.

I don't care what they tell you in Vogue or Vanity Fair, or whatever.

Guys like girls who are hippy.

And I am no longer hippy.

Give me two weeks, and I will be.

But, even so, it hurt.

"It's not my fault!" I cried.

"Yes it is, you… You… strumpet!" she screamed.

My mouth dropped.

See? This is how much Ruth and I are alike. We use each other's words.

"Oh, yeah? Well you're a bantam insipid panda!"

I never said my insults are good.

"You're a WHORE! How could you kiss James when I said I loved him?" she screamed.

"Oh, PLEASE." I said, "You hardly know the guy…"

"I KNOW HIM BETTER THAN YOU!" and with that, she was off again, running into the depths of the school.

And I was left standing there, and suddenly…

I fainted…

**(Just kidding… This is what actually happened)**

And I was left standing there, and suddenly…

Daria was behind me, her hand on my shoulder, as she said, "If your, like, friendship can't survive that, is it really, like, valuable?"

She was right, you know.

If James could come in between my best friend and me, was that friend worth having at all?

I nodded vaguely, and Daria said hesitantly, "Let's get you back to the hospital… Take my jacket and, like, wrap it around your waist. Everyone can see your ass, you know."

I gladly took her jumper, and she lead a very dazed me back to the hospital gently.

She put me delicately into my bed, and then started talking softly, in a very low voice, to both James and Sirius, so that I could not hear.

My mind was spinning, anywise.

…Ruth?

RUTH?

Ruth had turned into… Into one of those girls.

I'm tired.

My stomach rumbled.

Why is everything spinning?

-&-

Le sigh. Apparently the room was spinning because of my malnourished state… How could Pommie just _forget_ to feed me?

I mean, honestly.

Even _I_ remember to feed myself.

I'm eating my trusty mashed potatoes right now. I only really ever eat mashed potatoes and pies. And the occasional lasagna square.

But that's just me. It's not like that's all they serve here.

It's just that I used to work at this real one-star diner, where everything was either mold-ridden or covered in cockroaches. It put me off most foods. Like, I can't eat peanut butter because everytime I even go near it, I remember the smeared, congealed peanut butter all over the sink. Ecccchk.

Potter has to take me for an 'outing' later on. I know, an _outing_.

He's basically putting me in a wheelchair, and wheeling me around the grounds.

Potter is thrilled about this, God knows why. I think he sees it as "bonding time".

"Are you all wrapped up?" Madame Pomfrey clucked (Well, not really, because that would just be terribly odd, wouldn't it? I meant in the mother hen kind of way).

"Yes," I admitted sullenly, because I was so wrapped up I looked like I had easily gained the weight I had lost.

"Wow!" Potter exclaimed as he walked in, "Is there a Lily in there?"

"Shut up, Potter," I said angrily, "It's not my fault. They bound me tightly to the chair so I couldn't escape."

Well, that was one of the reasons, anyway.

Potter put his hands up, "I'm not here to judge."

"Yes, you're here to be my wheeler," I said.

Madame Pomfrey muttered something to Potter, and then left.

"Now, wheel!" I commanded imperiously.

"Fine, fine," Potter said, smirking as he grabbed the back of my wheelchair and started to wheel me down into the grounds.

The afternoon sun was amazing. I hadn't seen one like it in years. It was so golden, and it sparked in such a way that it illuminated off the fall leaves.

Wow. I just went poetic on your sorry asses. Didja mind it much?

The air was cold, and I was secretly happy I was so rugged up. But you wouldn't catch me saying that out loud.

"Potter, wheel me that way!" I demanded, one of my arms finally escaping from the sheets.

"You're just lucky I love you," Potter muttered, supposedly to himself.

I guess I am, but don't tell anyone I said that.

-&-

I've pissed off God.

That had to be it.

"Sorry," I mumbled to God as I sat on my bed, picking at the lint on the doona.

Potter won't leave me alone.

He comes in, in between classes, at lunch and dinner and breakfast, on all his gap classes, every afternoon…

To tell you the truth, it's actually rather depressing.

Because I've been thinking a lot, and I know that even if Ruth was still my friend, not even she would have gone to the strenuous lengths Potter is to please me.

Until now.

Potter was by my side, reading me the criteria for our next exam. I had ordered him to, so that I wouldn't actually have to make conversation with him. It's working like a charm.

So anyway, Ruth came slinking through the Hospital Doors, doing the prowl-walk she does when she's trying to pick up boys, and wearing that low cut T-shirt that we dubbed her, "Man Catcher".

She was trying to steal Potter.

_MY_ Potter.

She can find her own slave, thank you very much.

So she came right up to my bed, which was when I realized she stunk of that pungent perfume that was called Lust or Poison or something weird, and gave me this big hug, making sure Potter copped an eyeful of cleavage.

Potter and I exchanged a look behind her back. I'm pretty sure he was scared out of his wits. Not to be mean or anything, it just looked like it.

"Lily," she said, in that voice she uses when she's trying to manipulate someone - I know her too well to be sucked in, "I'm sorry we had that stupid little insignificant fight over Jamesie. Let's be friends again, hey darl?"

She dragged 'darl' over five syllables, so it sounded more like 'darrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl'.

"Um," I said hesitantly, not being able to believe what I was going to say next, "Actually, darrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, I've been thinking, and if our friendship couldn't survive something as small as Potter" - Potter threw me an indignant look - "Then what kind of friendship was it?"

"That's exactly what Daria said," exclaimed Ruth, unaware of my subtle mocking, "Come on, let's not do this."

"No!" I said, reverting back to my days as a five year old, and burrowing under the sheets, "Go away!"

Potter came to my rescue, "Hey, Ruth, maybe you should leave. Lily's still weak and she doesn't need any added stress…"

"Ok," Ruth said, sighing, "James, could you walk me back to the common room?"

But there was no way I was letting her take away _my_ minion.

"No, Ruth, walk there yourself. Potter's helping me read." I said, grabbing Potter's wrist protectively.

"Lily, surely you can read by yourself," Ruth said, with a fake, tinkly laugh.

WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO HER?

"No!" I said, again becoming the five year old me, "Potter's going to help me. Leave Ruth."

Suddenly, Ruth wasn't acting so nice any more, "Or what, Lily? You're going to pound me? Puh-lease, you're so thin now, I'd be shocked if any one wanted you, _especially_ James…"

"Aiiie!" I yelled, attempting to pounce Ruth.

I was stopped by Potter, though, who caught me in mid flight.

"Ruth, leave," He said firmly, "You're just aggravating her."

Ruth's eyes teared up, and she left quickly.

I hit Potter.

I know, aren't I just overly violent?

But in a cute, rabid panda way.

"Why'd you stop me! I could have trounced her!" I said indignantly.

Potter chuckled, "Firstly, Lily, she has six inches on you. Secondly, she's at least twenty pounds heavier than you are. And, thirdly, you're all frail at the moment."

He was right, though. He was no longer wincing when I hit him, which was never a good sign.

I could always bite.

Huffily, I sat down and listened to Potter begin reading me the criteria, all over again, "_Criterion A, For an O: Work is extremely well done, the student is accomplished and has meticulous knowledge of subject…"_

The problem was…

Potter's all I've got right now.

And that's _so_ depressing…

**Listen up, yo. I've got a bit of an upset. I've just found out the reason I was sick was because I am both lactose and gluten intolerant. This basically means nothing worth eating is edible. I keep trying to (unwittingly) defy my allergy, but to no avail.**

**XPreppyxInxPinkx: I know what you mean. Zippers on bras just seem wrong. We grew up with uncomfortable bras with hooks, and that's how we'll DIE! Oh, and while we're sharing, when a boy asked me out once and I was staring at his head because he had LICE, he said, "So how about it?" and without thinking I said, "No thanks, I don't like lice." I looked like a total bitch, and the ironic thing was I wasn't trying to be. **

**Alex202: Yes, my story is rather strange. I like to call it 'unique' rather then just plain insane. Heh, that rhymes… Plain and insane, I mean, not unique and insane. I'm not illiterate… much. **

**Renee: I am random. So is Lily. Lily and I would be good friends. But the weird thing is, I don't mean to be random. It's just that I'm always hyper and full of nervous energy, and I can never stand still. In fact, right now I'm multi tasking (Assuring my friend that she's not fat, watching Veronica Mars and typing this). But I got off track: I go a mile a minute, and think that way too, which usually throws people off in the conversation. They say it's endearing.**

**Flower: Lol! Smiley, smiley. **

**Youkaigirl64: I think this was a slower paced chapter, with less of the laughing ass off factor (LAOL). It was more productive towards the James/Lily front. **

**GoddessoftheMaaN: First of all, your name is really cool. Well, atleast I think so. My opinion isn't really vaild because I'm insane. **

**LilyFlowerr: There's a bit of Sirius next chapter, but he's not hilarious or dashing or anything. He's mainly used as comic relief, and I think that there's more than enough comic relief, what with Lily being infected with rabies of the brain and all.**

**Love you, my parka-clad trendsetters,**

**Trapped Rabbit **


	7. Chapter 7

Hello. Now here's the part you guys don't actually read, where I complain about my life, etc.: I have two new stories. Another James and Lily oneth, And Then I Remember, And a first of its kind (!), So This, Justin Finch-Fletchey and Hannah Abbot. So cute!

**I also recently realized I haven't done one of these for a while…**

**Disclaimer: If I were J. K. Rowling, I would definitely be here, on fanfiction, instead of rolling around in my big pool of cash. And if you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic… Heh. **

-&-

Rustle.

Crap.

WHO DARES WAKE UP LILY EVANS?

Oh, Potter's talking to his friends…

I'll pretend to sleep, and eavesdrop.

Heh heh.

I am soooo diabolically evil.

"…You've been spending _way _too much time with her, Prongs," whispered Black.

"Yeah!" Pettigrew, "We know you love her, but that's no reason to ditch us every blinking five minutes!"

Who says _blinking_?

Honestly.

"Look, guys…," came Potter's voice, "You just don't understand. She's so … special."

Awww, shucks.

"I can understand that she had a good ass, and now she's really thin and looks just as hot…" Black said, in a supposedly reasoning manner, "But, honestly, would you just think about it? There's plenty of hot girls just dying to go out with you…"

WHY DO I FEEL JEALOUS!

If you like me even a smidgen, you will kill me now.

"I don't want them, though, I want Lily," Potter said furiously.

"She's muggle trash!" said Pettigrew, and before I knew it, I was pouncing on him.

I know, violence isn't the answer, ya dee ya dee ya.

But it was this time, and I felt good as my hand connected with Pettigrew's face.

"You're muggle too!" I said angrily, as Potter pulled me off Pettigrew, with ease.

"She hurt my face a bit!" Pettigrew squeaked indignantly, "She hit me!"

"Oh, please, Wormtail," snapped Potter, "she's been hitting me all day. It doesn't hurt at all."

Pettigrew sniffed, "I only said it hurt a bit."

I glared at him, "I am not trash, you homosexual reptile."

Potter laughed, as did Lupin and Black.

Pettigrew colored cherry.

"I think we should leave," said Lupin, "We don't want to over-stress Lily. You know what Madame Pomfrey said."

"So Pommie didn't get fired?" I asked happily.

"Nope," Potter replied, "When they heard you didn't want her fired they just-"

"That's bullshit!" Black exclaimed, "You got your dad to put in a good word for Madame Pomfrey!"

Potter kicked Sirius, "Uh… Well, yeah, I did, but still…"

"You'd do that for Madame Pomfrey?" I asked, touched on behalf of her.

-&-

It was Ruth who was next to me, shoving me roughly as I tried in vein to pretend I was asleep.

"Vamplurchsh," I mumbled, swatting at her hands sleepily, "Quit it."

But she didn't let up. If anything, in fact, she pushed harder.

I sat up morosely, suddenly, "What!"

Ruth was wearing a too tight T-shirt. She used to make fun of people who wore things like that. Her torso looked like a muffin top, I was aggrieved to admit.

She put her hands onto her hips, in what I presumed was supposed to be a threatening manner, "Look, Lily, just tell me straight up: Do you love Potter as much as I do?"

"You don't love him," I replied flatly, lying back down onto my bed and closing my already drooping eyes.

"Yes I do!" cried Ruth, poking me with one of her very pointy fingernails, "Now, tell me if you love him."

"Well, he is a good minion…" I mumbled into my pillow, "And he is quite good-looking…"

"Mhmmm," agreed Ruth.

Going to sleep, I muttered, "You stay away from my Potter-lackey."

Ruth shoved me again, "Lily!"

"What!" I said, irked.

"Back off Potter, ok?" she said warningly.

"No way," I said, fully awake, "Potter is mine. _Mine._ Get your own slave!"

Ruth hit me. Hard.

Oh, it was _so_ on.

But before I could fully leap onto Ruth, Madame Pomfrey came into the room, and indignantly said to Ruth, "Miss Verandas, get out – right now!"

Ruth walked away sulkily, throwing me one last, angry look.

I poked my tongue out.

I know, real mature.

Pommie is like my _new_ minion. As she said, she's "eternally grateful" for my not wanting to get her fired.

But, I mean, I still remember when I fell off my broom, and Madame Pomfrey yelled at me for being so stupid. It made me feel like she cared.

So now I have Potter and Pommie: Lily Lackeys. Heh.

As like on cue, Potter came in, grinning, with flowers…

Flowers. Potter. Flowers.

I know.

"These are for you," he said, handing them over to me.

"Who are they from?" I asked, hoping they weren't from Potter.

"Me!" Potter said, still grinning, as he stooped over and kissed me.

"QUIT DOING THAT!" I yelled, hitting him on the head.

Potter's smirk widened, as he sat down on the end of my hospital bed, "I've been assigned."

"Assigned? To what? St. Mungo's head injuries?"

"No," he said, "To help you catch up on homework. Every day after school, every Saturday…"

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!" I screamed, so loudly that Pommie came out, with a very worried expression on her face.

"What's wrong?" Pommie asked.

"Nothing," Potter said, chuckling.

LAUGH IT UP, CHUCKLES.

"Starting now," Potter said, and handed me the first text book.

I took a long, deep, suffering breath, "Let's do this thing."

"_The Polidiem Charm is a very powerful and resolute one, which can cause the recipient to…"_

-&-

Poor Lily. Will she ever realize her feelings for Potter (cue corny soap opera music)? Thanks for the reviews (In your face, world, I CAN get nine reviews out of one chapter!) but ya know what would be really nice? Ten reviews (hint, hint, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more).

**Onto Mah Personal Favourite Part Of My Job (If I had one… Which I don't… Heh.)**

**XPreppyxInxPink: At least you get to use laptops in English. We're given a stone and a carving tool and told to go sit facing the wall. Ok… Maybe that's not exactly how it happens, but it's pretty close.**

**Goddessofthemaan: I reviewed your story, by the way! It's really good, with the whole Lily disguising herself, et cetera.**

**Semi-crazywithalittlewierness: I know PMS isn't for one day… Lol, I'm not that stupid (…Or am I?). I just meant that Lily's peak of PMS, where she's at her craziest, only lasts for one day… Yup.**

**Youkaigirl64: Is You kai mean to be like U.K. as in Untied Kingdom? Or does it mean something completely different and I'm just usin' my overactive imagination? Sorry, I'm random.**

**Renee: You're not pathetic. Unless you're a forty something year old panda who lives in his parents' basement… I don't think you are, and I have the sneaking suspicion you're human. **

**Magequeen: I'm glad you find me hilarious! Thanks for the confidence boost . **

**LilyFlowerr: I've still got my allergy… Le sigh. I've been stressing about my birthday cake, because I won't be able to have one, and I won't be able to have an ice cream cake, either, so what will everyone eat? LENTILS? I haven't decided yet, but Lily may or may not become less stubborn next chapter… **

**Myhairiswierdandilikeit: Heh. Thank you for your encouragement to my wierdness.**

**Brianna Black: Thanks for the review. PS. Your story is friggin' hilarious.**

**Snuffles101: Lol! Thank you! Your Katie/Oliver story rocks, by the way. I'm a big fan of Katie/Oliver .**

**The Lilac Elf of Lothlorein: Thank you very much for calling my story wonderful. .**

**Well, I'm tired. **

**Over and out, my bristly penguins,**

**Trapped Rabbit. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Yeah, it's been a while. I know. Didja miss me? This Chapter is chapter eight! This was origonally going to be, like, six/seven chapters, but it totally grew on me. Review my other stories too! - It's big too!**

**-&-**

"_The pungent weed, Eye of Turk, is known to have many, many, advantages,"_ Potter droned.

So boring...

Must...keep...awake.

Ah, the hell with it...

I yawned, and suddenly I was asleep.

_I was in a field. It was full of .. Hay? ... Wheat? ... I can't tell, what am I? A hoarticultrist? _

_Ugh. _

_I was wearing a pink, flowing dress... And I had a daisy chain around my head._

_Boy, I should feel stupid. But I don't. I'm running toward someone.._

_Ew..._

_Potter._

_And we're kissing. A lot._

_Snogging._

_Full on snogging._

_Pinch me.._

_No, wait, punch me, please._

_**PLEASE!**_

_And now I'm saying something..._

_It sounds like... _

_"Ibubveiwhames"_

_Wha...?_

"Lily!" Potter said indignantly, "You could at least pretend to listen!"

"I was closing my eyes to shield them from the horrendous insect a'roosting on your head," I replied, "What are you, a bug pimp?"

"Pimp...?" Potter said, eyebrow raised.

"Muggle thing," I said secretly, "You wouldn't get it because you're a wizard... You'd be a _great _pimp."

Potter grinned, "Thanks. Finally a compliment."

I know it's mean, to exploit his ignorance, but...

Shut up.

"And back home, you'd be front and center at the Mardi Gras," I said warmly.

"Really?" Potter said, his smirk widening.

"Totally, hand over fist," I said, nodding.

I then cringed at my own words.

"Aw, thanks," Potter said, stooping down and kissing me.

Ahh, crap.

NO!...

Well, maybe...

Yeah, ok, I will...

DON'T JUDGE ME!

HE'S A GOOD KISSER.

Potter broke away for a second, "By the way, I know what a pimp is.. And the Mardi Gras..."

Shit.

"Shit," I said, frowning, "... It was a metaphor."

"Yeah, right," Potter said, raising an eyebrow again, "Hand over fist? Seriously..."

"Yeah, that one was by accident."

"It doesn't matter," Potter said, kissing me again.

Ah..

I like this.

Wait, does this mean I LIKE Potter?

No...

I just like the action.

I mean, it's been a while since I had a boyfriend...

Yeah, that's all this is...

Action.

I am just a lonely, and sad girl...

Oh, and sick.

"I love you so much," Potter muttered.

He just HAD to say it.

I hate the 'L' word.

It's practically a swear.

What am I doing?

No, honestly, _what am I doing_?

I'm just hurting the poor baboon.

"Well, I don't love you!" I practically hollered, "Just get out! AAAAAAAH!"

Potter jumped up, as if shot, and bolted for the door.

Poor Pigmy.

...He looks really good when he's running.

But it doesn't mean I like hi-

Crap.

**-&-**

I've gone insane.

Plain, Jane, insane.

That's why I suddenly have... 'feelings' for Potter.

Strong ones.

Skinny ones.

Ones that climb on rocks!

Tough ones.

Sick ones.

Even ones with Chicken Pox.

Armour... Armour Hot Do-

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, I have feelings for James.

Strong ones.

Skinny on- damn that evil jingle forever implanted in my brain!

I like James.

A lot.

And I like him kissing me.

A lot.

And I like his smell.

A lot.

And I like his touch.

A lot.

And I like his smirk.

A lot.

And I like his hair.

A lo- can someone get me a theasauras?

So, anyway, recounting the last couple of days, it's pretty obvious I've been in denial.

You see, in acceptance, there are few steps.

I can't remember them all because I've never swallowed a ping pong ball and have to be rushed to the Emergency Room, and then a doctor who looks suspiciously like Geogre Clooney looks at your stomach through one of those cartoon-y X-rays and went, "I'm afraid I can't operate."

So, you see, Bobbette, Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

Madame Pomfrey, who seems to realize I have something important to do, won't let me get out of the hospital room.

So I've devised a cunning plan involving me, and the charm Aracnicus.

Aracnicus makes little insy winsy spiders spout out of my wand. Then down come the spiders, and wash Pommie out. Out comes Lily, and runs away.

You get the idea.

Ok, I'm ready to go.

...Should I say some cool line before I do it, like, "This is for Ribena Cordial Everywhere!"?

No, then Pommie will probably realize it was me.

Ok, are you ready?

Why am I asking myself, I should kno-

"Aracnicus!"

Finally, my subconsious does something brilliant.

It's about time.

Ok, now let out a girlish squeal and we shall be free. Free like the - OH MY GOD THOSE SPIDERS ARE HUGE!

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I screamed, running straight out of the Hospital Wing and heading towards the Common Room.

"Lily!"

Crap. Someone's spotted me. And I'm not even halfway there.

I turned around slowly, and saw Daria standing about six feet away from me, grinning.

"What is it with you and, like, totally exposing yourself in that, like, ridiculous robe?" she asked, a perfectly plucked eyebrow raised.

Shit. The one part of my plan I didn't think through.

"I'm going to go declare love."

"To James, right?"

"Maybe."

"Please tell me it is to James," Daria said seriously.

"Yes." I said impatiently.

"Ooooooh my God!" squealed Daria, clapping her hands together, "Ok, we're the same size, right? Well, wait over here, in the bathroom, and I'll get you like the best outfit ever. I wore it when I met Leo Browitt, and that went - oh my god - so well. So, like, go into this cubicle, and I'll bring you, like the outfit, ok!"

"Yes," I said, nodding, slightly bemused.

She talks so fast. How does she not faint?

Just minutes after walking out, Daria walked back in, "Sorry I took a while. Ok, so here are the clothes. Aren't they, like, perfect? I've brought two choices in tops and bottoms so you have, like, variety. Cos don't you just hate when someone brings you clothes, and you're just like, 'Ohmigod, I hate this colour, you clod!'"

"Yes," I said again, nodding.

I looked down at the clothes in front of me. I'd seen Daria wearing them before, and they always looked amazing on her. But can a bony red head pull it off?

I picked out an outfit, put it on, and walked out.

"That is like, so oh-my-God perfect!" squealed Daria, "Now go get your man! He was coming into the Common Room when I was, like, coming out."

Daira basically frogmarched me out of the toilets.

I looked down.

I looked up.

I looked side to side.

I can't do this.

Wait, yes I can.

I am a smart, independant, strong woman. I don't need to...

I don't need to..

I DON'T NEED TO DECLARE MY LOVE!

But he loves me too.

Right?

Yeah, he said so...

Right before I screamed at him.

I can't do this!

Yes I can.

And I will!

Right now.

I took off in a sprint towards the Common Room, quickly shouted the password out to the Fat Lady ("Jabbadahut!"), and run inside, stopping to compose myself once I saw James' spiky hair. Resting my hands on my knees, I sucked in a deep breath and walked calmly over to him.

But it wasn't James. Because attached to this boy was ... Ruth.

"Oh, sorry," I apoligized, "Do you know where James is? I need to tell him something important."

The couple broke apart, and the black haired boy slowly turned around to look at me, his face flushed, his eyes...

Hazel.

It was James.

**-&-**

**Now for my favourite bit, Review replying. I'm too driven into my ways to use the new system. **

**Youkaigirl64: Ha, so it wasn't UK? Lol, I'm random.**

**GaryLovesPickles: Thanks for reviewing. Yeah, there's positions available. Go to the Apply Jobs Page (I'm lazy and the FEB issue is currently under construction.)**

**Mischa: Thank you for the many reviews!**

**Lila Allie: Aww, shucks. You think?**

**Reader...Duh: Thanks for the words of wisdom. They were both word-y and wisdom-y.**

**i luv Lupin AND Potter: Update your stories or I shall cry. I shall cry until the cows come home.**

**snuffles101: Your story is GREAT! I'm sorry I haven't reviewed yet... Heh, I've meant to. I'll get onto it straight away.**

**LilyFlowerr: Sorry I didn't update for a while. Stuff came up. Ok, worst excuse ever. Sorry.**

**xPreppyxInxPinkx: Liberty's PREGNANT? That's something you don't see coming, with the glasses and the ugliness. To whom, I assume is nerd... Your teacher started talking about SEX? I remember when our teacher was talking about male babysitters, and how they may propisition us, "Hey, your breats look like they've grown, can I see them closer?"**

**GodessodtheMaaN: Yeah, update your story, it's really good. Lily conceals? Ha-why?**

**Renee: Everyone writes me reviews when they're tired (sobs quietly into blue rag).**

**Well, that's it for now, **

**Scat, my Colbat Adheiseive Winged Beavers,**

**Love,**

**Trapped Rabbit. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Where we left ze Rabid Panda of the West...**

The couple broke apart, and the black haired boy slowly turned around to look at me, his face flushed, his eyes...

Hazel.

It was James.

**-&-**

I felt my face turn red.

The world had stopped.

Everything around me was silent, or so it seemed.

James, the boy I had only just realizes I lo... Was here, with my arch enemy. And they were kissing.

I know I would normally hit. I know I would normally scratch, and bite, and poke, and wrestle, and kick.

But I didn't feel like I even wanted to. I didn't want to hurt James. I'd hurt him enough.

I...

I've done too much damage for our relationship to ever be normal... Ever again.

"What did you want to tell me, Lily?" James asked, looking suprised.

"It doesn't matter," I said, shaking my head, "It doesn't matter any more. Bye, James, I'll miss you."

It came out as more of a whisper, but James heard. He stood up quickly, Ruth falling off his lap and on to the floor (Take that you cow-whore-bitch-bumblebee-bedwetter-pants).

"Where are you going?" he asked, concern in his eyes...

"No where. But you are," I said.

I was talking metaphorically, of course. I mean, I wasn't going to like 'kill him' and make him go heaven. But you get what I mean, right? He's going away from me, drifting towards...

Ruth land.

"What?" James said, his forehead crinkiling.

Ok, obviously this guy has never been in any chick flicks. I mean, everyone knows that everything in chick flicks is confusing and underlying. Like you know the big headed kid in Jerry McGuire? He symbolizes Satan.

"Well," I said, "I guess it's just, you were in Lily Oceans, and you were bordering on getting acsess into the mainland, but obviously you'd rather be in Ruth's jungle of evil and... Monkeys."

"I'm really confused," James said, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You know what?" I said, "It doesn't matter. Ruth, James, have fun. I guess I'll see you at tutoring on Monday, James..."

"Yeah, I guess so," he said, his forehead almost as crinkily now as... You know those chips, with the crinkles in them? Yeah, those.

"So... Bye," I said awkwardly, by turning away and heading straight towards the nearest hot guy who I had earlier dismissed because his eyes were a bit... What was it? Wonky?

They're not that bad.

"Hey, what's your name?" I said, smiling.

"Scotty. As in, very funny, Scotty, now beam me down my clothes," he said, smiling.

Wow, hot and crazy.

I like this guy.

"You're in my year, right?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said, nodding slightly.

"Want to go out next weekend? I think it's Hogsmeade," I said.

Yes, I realize this is a revenge date. But this guy is cute. He has brown hair. And his jokes are in the vicinity of medium to hot damn funny. He shall do for replacement Potter. Not that I'm replacing Potter. How could I? I mean, I never really had him in the first place.

"Sounds good," he said, "Pick you up from the Hospital Wing around Eight?"

"Sounds good," I repeated, smiling.

-&-

You know what, I could get to like Scotty. He just brought in a bunch of house elves to entertain me, and they're dancing and singing and generally having a shindig. I've got my head on his shoulder, and although it's kind of bony and hurting my ear, I enjoy this.

Our date went fine, thanks for asking.

Well, if fine means that it was absoultely dull, that is.

But Scotty's pretty cool.

His jokes are lame, mostly, and his eyes _are_ wonky, but what am I going to do? The Undiluted Evil Ruth has got her pointy, pink talons sank deep, deep into James.

But if I keep going out with Scotty, there's the slim (And when I say slim, I mean anorexic. And not just, 'thin anorexic', I mean completely and utterly to the bones anorexic because slim is too much) chance he shall fall in love with me and my endearing rabies-infected charm. So I have to break up with him.

... Gee, don't seem too upset.

"Scotty..." I began, "Iduntinkweshulseeshovernnnmore."

"What?"

"Iduntinkweshulseeshovernnnmore."

"Slower and unslurred."

"I think your eyes are well adjusted and cool."

"Aw, thanks."

I am such a coward.

-&-

Weekly meetings with Potter are like having my skin ripped off slowly and agonizingly with searing hot tweezers of pain. Was that too graphic for you? Well grow up, because that's what it's like, Holme.

They're so emotionally painful, it physically hurts. My throat gets this lump when I sees him.

Maybe I'm allergic to him.

My God, that would be the perfect excuse.

Speaking of which...

"Hello, Potter," I said, smiling my thin-lipped smile which I smile at people who deserve its thin-lipped-ness.

"Hi, Lily. When you smile like that you look like a cute little gecko," he said, sitting down quickly and opening his textbook.

A gecko? What even is that?

Maybe it's like a hideous beast, and he's exploiting my un-knowed-ness... That is _so_ not a word.

"Yeah.. Well, you look like a butt-faced pug, all the time!" I said.

James glanced up from his textbook, and then raised an eyebrow, "What ever happened to Good-Comeback-Lily?"

"She's on vacation, but your comeback is very important to her. She'll get back to you as soon as she falls off the face of the Earth. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep," I said.

"There she is," he said, chuckiling, "We better get stuck into this, I've got a date with Ruth at Seven."

"You're still seeing her?" I asked in disgust.

"Yeah, why?" James asked.

"She's like the spawn of... Satan, the Easter Bunny, and a camel combined."

"Satan, the Easter Bunny and a camel? I understand Satan, but the Easter Bunny and a camel? What's so evil about them?"

"Ok, number one," I started, "An Easter Bunny's faeces are 'chocolate' eggs which he then feeds to unsuspecting children... That ain't right. And number two, camel's spit, and are therefore concentrated evil."

"You spit," James commented.

"Yes, but Ruth isn't my spawn."

"Don't even get me started on Scotty," James said, looking back down at his textbook, eyebrows raised.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I demmanded.

"What? Nothing, except that... Haven't you noticed that one of his eyes is a little bit... crooked?" James asked.

"So it ISN'T just me!" I exclaimed, but then realized that would probably give James pleasure, I covered up bt saying, "It isn't just me who's realized your a man-bitch."

"Ouch, that hurt," James said, smirking, "At least I'm not going out with an alien."

"At least I'm not going out with a fat, obese, canckle-y evil poo!"

"Great comeback... I guess you win."

"I guess I do."

**-&-**

**So... did you like it? I was in hysterics writing this, so... Yeah.**

**Ok, now I'm going to complain about my life. My website is in the shambles of awful, my dog is obese and hates me walking it, and my forshizzle is not mizzled, whatever the hell that means. I have a novel to write, which is due in eight days (If you're reading this, Lici, feel special!), and my hair just isn't as silky as it used to be. On the plus side, Peter Doherty is in jail, DJ AM is single, and my plans for massive world domination are comple- heh heh...**

**Onto the reviews of my Lily-lackey-lovers! Ahaha, I'm alliterive (And illiterate!)**

**GodessoftheMaaN: A-thank you, a-thank you very much.**

**youkaigirl64: I know! Can you beleive James!**

**Fallen-Angel189: There you go :).**

**Amber Tinted: Thanks for liking it. You're right, all girls are that wierd. Maybe that's why so many men are gay 0o.**

**LilyFlowerr: I admire your hate-ness of Ruth, because I very much hate her too. Jumping off a cliff... Seems too _Days Of Our Lives_ for me. How about, she's like this mass murderer and she kills all these people my strangiling them with ... POLISH SAUSAGES! **

**GaryLovesPickles: Why, thank you.**

**xPreppyxInxPinkx: JTs a drug dealer? Cool. I always knew he would turn out cray-zay. It really IS amazing how many people want Ruth dead. I'm not really into burning faeces, but if you find someone who is, we may have a deal...**

**QueenNoisla: Is this soon enough?**

**mchintap: I'm so glad everyone sympathizes with poor Lily!**

**i luv Lupin AND Potter: Pah, sure, the broken computer. -JUST KIDDING!-. You're anti-James? Poor James is heartbroken! **

**Snuffles101: Hahaha, when I read your review I laughed because I was already cake-ful because of my little brothers birthday party... Which was a hoot (not). Picture a bunch of quasi-evil children rampaging loose on cake! It was not a pretty sight - escpecially for our poor neighbours cat!**

**Kute Anime Kitty: Here it is.**

**Renee: Thank you for the amazingly long review! It made me happy! I LOVE sims, but my guy keeps proposing to this BITCH who always rejects him, and then when I finally got them to have a kid it was so ugly I made it get sent to military camp! And - oh my god- apparently if you get Sims Hot Date, you can invite them back to their houses and then they have SEX! Or they "Play in Bed". Whatever.**

**.pumpkin.pie.forever.: 'Lo. I know, what is up with James? I made him do it, but not even I can beleive it!**

**Until next time, Taco Macho Men,**

**Trapped Rabbit. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Hiya, kids! **

**I am very, very, very sorry that I haven't updated in like 100,000,000 years. That dry spell ends today. **

**-&-**

Oh, hello there. Guess what I'm doing right now? Watching Scotty and James have a jig. Well, it's less a jig and more an awkward, trying-to-step-out-of-the-way-so-the-other-can-walk-past polka, but you get the feel. It's highly amusing to me.

Finally, James grabbed Scotty's shoulders, making him stand still whilst he moved around him.

"Hey, Lily," James said, frowning slightly at the retreating back of Scotty, "Just got back from a date with Ruth."

It is so on, Holme.

"Legs. Scotty's got better legs than your's," I countered.

Oh _snap_.

James shrugged, "My eyes are less crooked. Have you ever even seen my legs?"

"Well, no, because you're a horrendous over-prudish prune. But I bet Scotty's legs are better."

"This is just a ploy to get me to take off my pants, isn't it? Because you must realize, I will do it," James said.

"There is no need to threaten me," I said, "Just shut up so I can study."

"What? So taking off my pants is threatening?"

"On so many levels."

"What... _Oh_."

-&-

They discharged me. From the Hospital Wing.

What cheek.

Facial cheek, of course.

…Or butt-ial cheek, whatever is more offensive.

And now there is no real reason for James to tutor me. Damn my non-stupid-ness.

So I'm back at my dorm. Hanging out with Daria.

"And then he was like _Oh my god_ and she was like _Oh my god! _And I was like '_fraid so_."

I nodded dumbly, blocking out most of the mind-numbing drawl of Daria.

"And… Salmon… Oh my god…"

I'm fazing in and out. It's rather nice, really.

"Juice… Penguin… Oh my God… Ruth…"

"What?" I said, finally snapping to attention at the name of Satan (which is Ruth).

"Orange Juice is totally high in calories," Daria said.

"No, before that."

"Ruth is cheating on James with your boyfriend," Daria stated.

WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?

WHAT THE FUCKING BLOODY HELL?

WHAT THE FUCKING BLOODY SMELLY HELL?

"WHAT? AND HOW LONG HAS THIS ABOMINATION OF A UNITEMENT BEEN GOING ON!"

"Like, a week," Daria informed, filing her nails, "Because, oh my god, Ruth has this thing about you where she, like, has to have the guy you have. It's like a total problem."

Oh it is on.

It is _so on_.

-&-

There she is. In her canckle-ness. Wallowing in the fat that envelope her legs like… fat. She's gonna look good with two big, black eyes. I'm gonna-

"Miss Evans, either borrow a book and stop floundering around at the back, or I will force you," came a whisper behind me.

"Your Madame Pince accent is awful," I mumbled, still looking at the evil ogress.

"So what are you staring at?" Asked James, crouching down beside me.

I didn't answer.

"You're looking at my girlfriend? Okay, I command you to stop," James said.

"Excuse me? You command me? You can't do that," I declared, "Claus three of the high school politics guidelines: A girl can stalk another girl if she thinks said girl is cheating on girl's boyfriend."

"What?"

"Ruth is cheating on you with Scotty. Scotty is cheating on me with Ruth."

"What the hell? Who would even want to go out with Ruth?" James said, a revolted expression flickering across his striking characteristics.

Oh. My. God. Striking characteristics? Some one kill me.

"You," I said accusingly, "I found you making out with Ruth. Ruth, James. Ruth."

"Yes, but I have mother issues."

"Whatever. Want to go confront her? Or, even better, make out in front of her and force her to cry?"

"Are you proposing we make out?"

"What? No. Shut up, you can never prove I said that."

Well, he can't, can he? And he misunderstood. I meant… Let's make out as in pretend in front of Ruth.

Shut up.

Me' grammatical) or English ,no good-like.

"Watch while I go break up with Ruth," James murmured, malevolence sparkling in his hazel eyes.

I shot him a startled look.

"What? I can be evil too," he said defensively.

"No you can't… You're… James Potter," I said.

"Well, then watch this," he said, as he straightened up to his full height and stalked over to Ruth.

"Oh Ruth? You're dumped. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dumped!"

"What!" Ruth cried, tears springing into her eyes.

"Scotty and you, I caught you," James said solemnly, "Sorry, but I'm too heartbroken to go out with you right now. It's not me, it's you."

Sobbing hysterically, Ruth ran out, her fat bottom grotesquely wobbling fifty metres behind her.

I was in hysterics, my self, but this was the laugh-y kind.

-&-

"So, now you break up with Scotty," declared James, wiping his hands on his pants.

"What's on your hands?"

"Ruth tears"

"Ah, disgusting."

"Quite."

"So, are you going to break up with Scotty?"

Well... Are you?

Destroy the innocent life of a cock(giggle)-eyed man? Make him wallow after me, forever eating chocolate because it releases the same chemicals in the brain as being in love? ...Oh, yes, I know that.

How do you think Ruth stays happy? Hmmm?

"Lily... You haven't said anything in a really long time..."

"So?" I barked.

Stupid James, insulting my long thoughts and the longevity.

If he was a woman, I'd slap him in the face.

Wait, I can slap him in the face.

I marijuana (crack) myself up.

"So... yes or no? Because we can't really be together if you're with ol' Cockatoo."

OH MY GOD. HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME?

This is all moving a bit too fast.

I feel like I'm in one of those... Things, you know, the real fast cars that aren't actually cars?

Like... Jet cars.

On a different note, did James think I was a strumpetess?

That I would just go off with him, just because!

He doesn't even know I like him yet.

What a man-bitch. He thinks I'll just throw myself on him. That is it, he is a definite laggard.

"Lily..."

"I don't know if I can... yet... Maybe later..." I mumbled absent-mindedly.

"What?"

"I don't know if I can, yet."

"WHAT?"

"You heard me."

"Why?... I thought you liked me.."

"Did I ever say that I liked you?"

"Well... You said we should make out..."

"Shut up."

-&-

**And there I leave you! I can't really complain about my life... Nothing very interesting has been happening to me.**

**So on to the reviews,**

**GodessoftheMaaN: Yes, Scotty did seem nice. But behind his facade of goofy eyeball syndrome, he was pure evil.**

**Brilliant Genius Number 7: Happy pants time indeed.**

**Queen Noisla: I'm glad you like my names, you modern art lemur, you.**

**Zabinisgirl: Thank you for thinking that I am fantastic. It's all just a rouse. **

**I love Lupin AND Potter: Yay! I'll have to check your story, then, I was starting to give up hope. **

**Katie: Oh there shall be Lily/James action. And it shall be very soon.**

**Tas: I know, my favorite T-shirt has scratches on the back from a bunny. Who knew bunnies had little tiny claws! WHO?**

**Kute Anime Kitty: Hmm, how do I think the insults up? Usually I just throng a couple of words together, and voila, and insult is made.**

**Pumpkin.pie.eyes: I kind of did get it, but Ruth just god-blast-it wouldn't listen to me. But she doesn't have a choice now, does she? Muhahaha!**

**Alaskan Chick: Why, thank you. **

**Phsyco-pyro-shrink: Heheh. I used the "cock-eyed" phrase in this chapter a number of times. Twas hilarious.**

**Renee: Yes, we are too cool. It's a problem, for the haters, yo, but they'll get over it, G. (Oh my God, I am so white) (cringes). **

**Snuffles101: Your dreams are odd. I had a dream that I was in a public library with my friends, when suddenly my fourth grade teacher came up to me and told me to get out because only celebrities were allowed in the library. Which I thought was odd, and so I got angry and was lead outside. And then I met a man with a carrot stuck in his pants. What happened to my neighbours' cat? Well, it was held down and forced to eat cake. It hates my little brother so much right now, it's comical.**

**GaryLovesPickles: Is this bad enough for Ruth? I'm not much of a sadist, so I don't know...**

**Lilied: Yay! Did you see I got her out of the hospital wing to make you like me?**

**Evi: Am too. **

**Ali (aka Queen Noisla): You already reviews so when I saw this I had a bit of a "...?" moment, but don't worry.**

**PrincessMia737: Thanks a bunch of rubber chickens! Please do recommend. It's one of the greatest stories on this site? I beg to differ. **

**Special thanks to Snuffles101 for recomending my story. Other people who recommend will also get one of these little special mentions and a plaque and a can of Spam.**

**That's all for now, my precious little fox-chickens,**

**Love,**

**Trapped Rabbit. **


	11. Chapter 11

**Hi. Sorry for the longish wait. I am an evil, horrible person, and also, I just realized, I haven't done one of these for a while...**

**

* * *

Disclaimer: I am JK Rowling, and this is my story.**

**Um...**

**Um...**

**Um...**

**Um..**

**Um...**

**Just kidding.**

**

* * *

Now, on with the tale of Lily...**

* * *

Out on an outing with my dear minion Scotty.

Bleugh.

I'm so bored I think I'll purposely get lice.

Just for something to do.

"I'm having lots of fun with you, Lily," Scotty said earnestly, his wonky eyes looking meaningfully into mine.

It's like his right eyes is melting off his face.

...It's disgusting.

"Ditto," I mumbled.

His face was leaning in. Ew! Ew!

Oh crap, he's going to try and kiss me again.

Better do some artful dodging...

"OH MY GOD WHAT THE _HELL _IS _THAT_ OVER _THERE_!" I screamed.

"What? What?"

Sucker.

Heh heh heh.

"Oh... It was just a hippogriff. Well, phew, I'm really tired. And I still have some things to do with James..."

"Like what?"

Don't say snogging, don't say snogging.

"Sno-... _Snow_ Panther Riding."

Good show, Lily.

You dissapoint me more and more each day.

I'm sorry.

I suppose I shall forgive you, but only if you dance... Go on DANCE! DANCE!

But I don't want to.

_DO IT!_

Clearing his throat, Scotty's large, hideous Adam's Apple bobbed annoyingly, "Well... That's cool, I guess. See you later."

"Alligator."

"...What?" he inquired.

"Nevermind, go away, I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing," I replied, waving my hand in a dissmisive guesture.

"_What?_"

"...Oh. I forgot you don't watch the Simpsons."

"Erm... Yeah, I'm going to go.."

"Yeah, bye."

Why are the pretty ones always so crazy?

Are you saying I'm pretty?

I suppose so.

Oh no, I'm up myself.

But it sure is fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.

Now, I must go find James. So we can secretly snog and then pretend nothing ever happened.

...Yes, I know what you're thinking. Why don't I just _dump Scotty_?

Well, it's not that simple, you jerk. I don't want to hurt Scotty's feeli-

Who am I kidding? I'm afraid of a real relationship with James.

I mean, you should have seen him in fifth year.

He was on _fire_, so to speak.

Like, seriously, he had a different girl on his arm every week. Every week.

That may not seem possible, as there's only about ten girls in our year, and thirteen in the year below us, and seven in the year above us, but beleive me, he managed it.

Somehow...

And I mean, his standards aren't really that high. I mean he went out with _Ruth, _for God's sake.

_Ruth_.

-&-

Well, apparently, my chances of snogging James right now are about the same as riding a Snow Panther.

Which is not likely.

Unless...

Nevermind.

"I wish you'd just dump Scotty!" Yelled James at me heatedly, "I don't want to be your... Your... Bitch!"

I couldn't help it. I started cackling.

And I didn't stop.

"WHY CAN'T YOU EVER TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY?" bellowed James, and his eyes looked more moist than usual.

I know, I'm such a bitch.

Yes, I am. A total and utter bitch.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

James features softened, "I'm sorry... It's just..."

I wiped my nose on my sleeve. Oh my god, I am offically disgusting.

"I know," I said, "But, it's just..."

I let my sentence hang in the air.

I had no idea what it just was.

"I know."

-&-

Hum hum hum.

Doo doo doo doo.

I love mince pie!

Down it goes.

Down into my belly.

Tra la la la l-

Daria slammed a book down beside me, and looked at me angrily, seething, "You know, like, he won't wait forever!"

"Who?" I asked.

She is not going to ruin my mince pie moment.

"James!" she screamed angrily, "Like, get a clue! Why can't you see how much he, like, loves you!"

"I KNOW HE LOVES ME!" I shouted back angrily, "I'M NOT A FREAKING IDIOT."

"WELL THEN STOP, LIKE, ACTING LIKE ONE!"

"I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S JUST..."

And she couldn't let it just hang there, like it was intended to do.

"IT'S JUST YOU THINK, LIKE, BECAUSE YOU'RE _TOTALLY_ PRETTY AND SMART AND POPULAR, YOU CAN KEEP ON BREAKING, LIKE, THIS BOY'S HEART! YOU'RE JUST, LIKE, A BITCH LILY. YOU'RE_ JUST _A BITCH!"

And she stormed off, in all her pretty glory, her blonde hair swinging behind her.

She deffinitely ruined my mince pie moment.

I looked down at the book she had slammed at me.

_Figuring how to love openly _by _Marskia Waterhausin._

**

* * *

Snuffles101: Hm, no, I'm pretty sure cats like being thrown... Though, cats have always hated me. I don't know why. I'm more a dog person. _They_ don't scratch, they _bite_.**

**Scarlet Emerald: Lol, yes, my writing is hilarious... Yet its not... But then it is! I like your name by the way. But doesn't red and green make brown?**

**GodessoftheMaaN: I suppose you will. Because, just remember, you never quite know who has GES (Goofy Eyeball Syndrome). **

**Kute Anime Kitty: Lol, I'm glad you liked the chapter. I hope you like this one too! **

**Phsyco-Pyro-shrink: Here's the next chapter! I still can't get over the whole cock-eyed thing... Hilarious.**

**Alaskan Chick: Yay! You love it! Lol. **

**Renee: Ever since you said, 'They're cool beans' in your review, I've been saying it. Wow! You think my story is nearly as good as Frosted Flakes? Have you tasted those things! They're delicious. My story is not as delicious as Frosted Flakes. **

**Gary loves Pickles: I suppose they would be all sold out of chocolate in Hogsmeade. but that's the way the cheap chocolate crumbles, unfortunately.**

**pickles. Very cool name, by the way. But what are acorns! Are they cool? Cool beans?**

**Evi: Please, Ev, you're scaring away all the customers. Joking. **

**Asta-lavista, my chewable grey country bumpkins,**

**Love,**

**Trapped Rabbit XOX.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Here it is. Reveiw and I'll give you Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandy!**

-&-

I'm with Scotty. We're talking about giant ducklings.

...He is_ so dumped_.

"Oh, and I remember this one time-"

"Scotty?"

"Yeah, Lily?"

"You're dumped. Cast asunder! Set out on the streets! Sacked! Given the boot! Dropped! Rejected! Left outside alone! Dead to me!"

I looked at Scotty, anticipating a freak out. He stared back blankly.

DAMN THOSE STUPID EYES!

...I know I should be more sympathetic but... Yeesh. He could at least wear sunglasses or something.

"Is that all?" he asked.

"I guess," I said, still weary.

Maybe he's having like... a delayed reaction freak out.

That MUST be it.

He got up to leave.

And then looked straight at me, right into my eyes.

And said, "Oh, and now that there's no chance of us having sex, Lily, you're a bitch. A really big bitch."

I stared at him in shock, my mouth wide open.

He's a...

A...

_**MAN BITCH!**_

"You can't talk to me like that!" I said, outraged.

"Why?" he sneered.

"Because your eyes are wonky! And wonky eyed people SHOULDN'T HAVE CONFIDENCE! YOU SHOULD BE CRYING. CRYING, I TELL YOU! _SOBBING_!" I screamed in a Tom Cruise-esque manner.

...And by that I mean, crazily.

"What do you mean my eyes are wonky?" Scotty said, in plain confusion.

Oh.

My.

God.

He's been living with these eyes for sixteen years, and he hasn't realized that one was ew-ish. Wait, that isn't a word. Grotesque-ish.

So, I did what any abnormal teen would do. I cackled. I laughed and laughed until I was doubled up on the floor.

In between gasps of laughter I managed a sort of half wheezed, "hahaha... You... Didn't... Realize... Your... Cock-eyed."

The cock-eyed bit only made me laugh harder. Unfortunately.

I think it was about then the Scotty left me.

I couldn't see because my eyes were filled with tears of releif... I mean, laughter.

I wasn't crying. And if anyone tells you I was crying because I really damaged my relationship with Daria and James for nothing, well...

They're lying.

And what do we do to liars?

We punch them in the chest and run really fast.

-&-

Ok, so I'm actually crying. And I'm still in the foetal position at the moment in this hall, crying. But I'm not actually late for classes anything because it's night time.

What about Finch, I hear you ask?

Well, let's just say I have an inkling he's on a date with Proffessor Bishop.

...Oh yes.

So, I'm still crying.

And thinking about James and how I've been such an idiot and it really should of been so freaking easy. It should of been all, 'Hey, I like you,' 'Gosh golly! I like you a lot too!' 'Ok, let's-'

"FUCK!" I cried as something invisible kicked me in the back.

I heard something stumble, and then fall. I could see a leg from no where.

I COULD SEE A LEG! JUST A LEG! JUST STICKING THERE IN THIN AIR!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed, backing away slowly from the offending appendage.

"...Lily?"

I know that voice.

"James?"

And then it was like some magical thingy happened and then James was just... There.

"HOW DID YOU DO THAT?" I hit him on the arm, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT! I WAS SCARED!"

James was chuckiling, his hair illuminated by the moonlight.

Illuminated?

Moonlight?

Don't be goin' 'n usin' them fancy words on me, girlieeee.

And I started crying again.

I think it may be PMS. You know what, it probably is.

Ugh. And someone's witnessing my crying.

He must be anhialated.

"Oh, Lily, I'm sorry if I frightened you," he said, hugging me.

"I'm NOT crying because you frightened me, you homosexual turd eel. I'm not crying, at all. Idiot," I said, whilst sobbing.

"Okay then," James said, sighing.

Silence.

... More silence.

The pauses were only broken by the weird quasi-gaspy noises escaping my mouth.

... Even more silence.

... Yet another silent pause.

"I kind of just realized what a bitch I've been being to you," I said through gaspy sobby thingamabobagummymawhatsitsetceteras.

"You haven't been being a bitch to me..." James said.

But he used the tone that people use when they're telling an obese Ruth that she's pretty. The lying, kind of, 'eeeeee, I'm just trying not to hurt your feelings,' thing.

"I'm really sorry. I've put you through so much shit. I'm sorry," I repeated.

"S'okay."

There was applause from behind us.

Ruth stepped out of the shadows, still clapping, which was making he lard-filled arms flap, which was making me slowly more and more sick. She was wearing a fluro-yellow mini dress, which bulged all around her, and her frizzy, disgusting hair was pulled into one of those high-top buns across her hair.

As the lard filled arms ceased their flailing, she said snottily, "Well, well, well, here we have a couple of little love birds, like, love-birding... and chiriping... and stuff... I'm going to totally report you and, like, get rewarded."

"Ruth," James said calmly, "Wouldn't reporting us make you have to admit that you were, in fact, down here too?"

You could see it on her extremely double-chinned face. She hadn't thought of that.

I snickered as she swore a loud, loud swear.

"You suck Ruth!" I said obnoxiously.

I bet you a million galleons she shall run away and cry.

...Pay up.

"I love you, Lily," James said, slinging his arm around my shoulder as we walked off into the darkness.

"And I love you too, James," I said.

... I said the L Word.

And I meant it.

And it wasn't hard.

I'm gonna make it after all.

... I wish I had a beret to throw up into the air.

-&-

**(Those last two lines were in refrence to the movie FAME, in case you didn't realize)**

**Yes, that is the end of LILIES. But there be a sequel coming to your Fanfiction soon! It be called: **

**Liles: Priceless**

**Here is a preview:**

"So, like, then what happened?" giggled Daria excitedly, all ill feelings forgotten as we sat gorging ourselves on chocolate.

"Well, after that, Ruth burst into tears and left," I said.

"Duh! It's, like, tradition! Then what happened?"

"Um... Well, James and I... You know..."

"DID IT?"

"WHAT? NO!" I said, flustered, "NO! We snogged! How could you possibly think we'd Do It, right then and there? I mean, that's just so... Ruth-esque."

"Totally. I so agree... Then what happened?"

"Well, I came here Daria... What's been happening with your life?" I asked, picking up a very large chocolate log.

"Um... I'm kind of a thing with Sirius Black..." she said non-chalantly, "And Remus Lupin. I'm thinking of, like, training them to fight to the death for me."

... I've created a monster.

**Now, for the reveiws:**

**pyscho-pyro-shrink: No! Don't apologize for the joke! It's hilarious times a million and six.**

**Miss-Kat: No, don't call me T-R. Miss X shall do suffiecently. Lol, Lily being a bitch is part of her charm, you dig?**

**Leslie Anne Levine: I like you too! Thanks for the kind words. **

**Queen Noisila: Lol, yes, Lily is a bitch. But it's in a good way, I think, because atleast she is a light-hearted, neurotic, manical... I forgot where I was going with this...**

**Scarlet Emerald: We should hold a Memorial Ceremony for the reveiw that could have been! Purple Cement would be as cool as Vanilla Ice, and we all know how cool that is.**

**Snuffles 101: I'm glad you love the story! You should! With all the blood and sweat and tears and pixie dust I've put into it, you should! (Wouldn't it be gross if I actually did..). The cat mafia, you say? I know it well. Very well, chum. **

**Addled.brain: Very well. Thanks for sending me the hurry along message, it's because of you this chapter got made so fast!**

**Kute Anime Kitty: Lol. Toe tally.**

**Amarvi: I won't marry you, but I can arrange a lovely mail-ordered bride. She can't talk, or speak, and she in two hundred and fifty pounds and can only wear moomoos, but... Um... She's beautiful on the inside...?**

**Katie: Thanks!**

**The Prankster Queens: There you go, I've updated. I'll take a rain check on the pretty please, but if you have any camel spit left...**

**Renee: Ok, here is my attempt at yelling at Snuffles: VAMPIRES DON'T GIVE LOVEBITES, WEREWOLVES DO.**

**Verity: Why, thank you.**

**pickles. Acorns are the thing that is wrong with America! I Agree!**

**Gary Loves Pickles: I know, it was totally beautiful, man.**

**Luanna: Lol, it does rock like one million and fifteetwo.**

**Mitzi: That was uncalled for, yo.**

**For The Last Time In This Fanfic,**

**Fartheewell, my punked up rides,**

**Trapped Rabbit.**


	13. Chapter 13

****

Thank you notes.

.. And replies to reviews.

... Heh.

Scarlet Emerald: You say faithful to my story, that you'd faithfully await it... But did you? Don't lie, I saw you reading another story that... that... hussy. It's over! (I'm joking.. Keep reviewing... Please)

GoddessoftheMaaN: Thanks heaps for your kind review. I'm sorry it took so long to update.. But you know, I was really for a while... To much of that Spin Off Joey, It's not funny..

Snuffles101: Hopefully, you haven't like gone off my story and decided it was gay in the two months that I was away. If you're reading this: Spigglyspooch.

Dr. Spigglyspooch - he specializes in tongue hair. He doesn't make much money, but you know, he still lives in the same cardboard box as his parents... And he's FORTY!

Ourlittlesecret7: I, too, love Anchorman. "Rick... we're you get a hand grenade?" "I don't know". "So Hot... Milk was the wrong choice." "They've done tests, you know.. 60 percent of the time, it works, everytime."

Phsycho-pyro-shrink: Thanks! I'm sorry it took so long to update... I am pond scum. Scum among the ponds. I AM OPHELLIA BALLS, HERE ME ROAR! ... I'm actually not... but ... OH MY GOD I MISSED DR. PHIL!

Addled.Brain: Yes, I believe that wonky eyed people are A) Fags (And I do not mean ciggarettes), B) ... Sob. I'm sorry. I can't function like this... I MISSED DR. PHIL:'(!

Queen Noisla: Thanks for my finding my story very amusing. It makes me sob with pride... That and I missed Dr. Phil (sobs)

Miss Kat: If you've put my full name in a review, I will kick you... In the knuckles.

GaryLovesPickles: I kind of abandoned the preview, I wanted to add crazier bits... Plus, I didn't know how to fit in the MAN'S MAN Jokes if I didn't.

Luanna: Thank you for your kind words. They fuel the world with their excellence.

I REALIZE MUCH OF THESE DON'T MAKE MUCH SENSE, IT'S BECAUSE I WAS DEPRIVED OF DR PHIL!

HOW CAN I GO ON?

FIND OUT NEXT WEEK, WHEN I GO ON DR. PHIL (HUZZAH!)

Thanks to...

My Best Friend, Rose.

Eveleen.

Katherine.

Not Nicole.

Snuffles101 ... For her hilarious reviews.

Renee... For her cool beans reviews.

Addled.Brain... For finding me pathetically lovable.

Anyone who looked at hobomag

Dr. Phil, for being like, inspiring and shit. He is a bald, shining beacon untowardsin the spittle-flecked face ofdepression, disorders, delusion, and... dungeons... and dragons.

LILES: PRICELESS IS UP, YO!

I MISSED DR PHIL TODAY! ... SOB.

Just keeping, real yo,

My lethargic, pinstriped, sinatra-suited hobos,

Love,

Trapped Rabbit


End file.
